(Originally published February 2020 in SoulSongs, a monthly newsletter from KaleidoSoul.com)

Judging by current “civil” discourse and social media, we are living in times that seem to be short on Compassion. Some days I need a psychic shower to wash off the toxic vibration of those who stand firm in the righteousness of their positions.

When I feel my outrage rising, before speaking or acting, I find refuge in this mantra: “Try a little tenderness, Marti.” I ground myself by visualizing a magnificent peacock, One Who Represents the Earthly Presence of Kuan Yin, the Goddess of Compassion.

What is Compassion, Empathy, and Altruism?

I found these useful definitions from Greater Good Magazine:

“Compassion literally means “to suffer together.” Among emotion researchers, it is defined as the feeling that arises when you are confronted with another’s suffering and feel motivated to relieve that suffering.”

“Compassion is not the same as empathy or altruism, though the concepts are related. While empathy refers more generally to our ability to take the perspective of and feel the emotions of another person, compassion is when those feelings and thoughts include the desire to help. Altruism, in turn, is the kind, selfless behavior often prompted by feelings of compassion, though one can feel compassion without acting on it, and altruism isn’t always motivated by compassion.”

“While cynics may dismiss compassion as touchy-feely or irrational, scientists have started to map the biological basis of compassion, suggesting its deep evolutionary purpose. This research has shown that when we feel compassion, our heart rate slows down, we secrete the “bonding hormone” oxytocin, and regions of the brain linked to empathy, caregiving, and feelings of pleasure light up, which often results in our wanting to approach and care for other people.”

A Distress Call Goes Out

It’s August of 2011 and I’ve called my beloved friend Barb Horn to share some terrible news. Due to her recent diagnosis with another round of breast cancer, Anne Marie Bennett has had to resign as my co-chair for the 2011 International SoulCollage® Facilitators Conference. I’m grief-stricken for my precious friend and overwhelmed with all that I must do in her absence. Barb listens intently and then says, “Wow, this sounds like a call for self-compassion. What do you need right now? Who can you ask to support you? How are you going to take care of yourself?”

Thus began a significant turning point when ‘Compassion’ changed from a nice, abstract spiritual concept that I aspired to and instead became a necessary life-preserver I clung to on the stormy sea. During the six grueling, tear-filled weeks that led up to the Conference, many times Barb’s perceptive remark had me drop down into deep reflection on my habitual patterns. Frequently, I heard the Wise Ones say, “You can’t give others what you do not have yourself, Marti.”

Witnessing Compassion & Self-Compassion in Action

January 2020. For nine months now, I’ve been blessed to walk with One Who Embodies Compassion in her daily life. Last April, my friend “MA” lost her Beloved, after forty happy years together. During many dark days, I’ve witnessed MA nearly paralyzed by grief, hanging on by a thread, overwhelmed with the long list of decisions, tasks, and chores that now she must carry alone.

MA would be the first to acknowledge her human frailty and to deny she is a “Saint in a stained-glass window,” as my Grandmother used to say. Yet, MA has amazed me with how, in the midst of her sorrow and anger and anguish and vulnerability, she has developed the skillful means to offer Compassion to herself in equal measures to the Compassion she offers her Beloved’s grieving family and friends.

Sure, there are days MA is disappointed when close ones “just do not get it.” Days when they seem to expect her to lift them up at a time when she is depleted. Days when old reliable friends disappear. Some go silent. Others confess they don’t know what to say and fear upsetting her, so don’t reach out at all. Days when people seem to deny her reality and do not ask how she is faring with the loss of her departed one. Days when loved ones seem to want her to “just get on with it.” Yet MA expresses Compassion for their struggle!

Slowly, one day at a time, MA’s true SoulEssence of wisdom and lovingkindness shines ever brighter. She has mastered the Circle Way Agreement to “Ask for what I need and offer what I can.” She seems to be learning the many subtle ways she can demonstrate Compassion and Lovingkindness to herself and to others.

The milestones of the recent Holidays were a painful time for MA. She remembered forty years of celebrative traditions which she no longer had the heart or energy to recreate. In this awful New Normal, MA had to figure out what she needed to care for herself, regardless of her family’s expectations. Step by step, MA pondered what she needed and the kindest way to stand firm on breaking old traditions and risking disappointing others.

Namaste, MA! I could not have had a more sensitive, authentic example of what it looks like to be present to one’s grief while balancing Compassion for others with Self-Compassion. I bow deeply to you, One Who Embodies Compassion in Action.

Practice

Look in your deck for cards that express Compassion/Self-Compassion. Place them in front of you while you journal now.

• Recall a time when you were in great need of Compassion.
  • How did you treat yourself?
  • How did others treat you?
  • Were you supported?
  • What guidance do your Self-Compassion Neters offer now?
• Recall a time when a loved one was grieving deeply.
  • How did you offer Compassion to them?
  • Did they feel supported?
  • What guidance do your Compassion Neters offer now?

Other Resources to Develop the Skillful Means of Compassion

• Deep Hope: Zen Guidance for Staying Steadfast When the World Seems Hopeless by Diane Eshin Rizzetto
   
• Walking Each Other Home: Conversations on Loving and Dying by Ram Dass & Mirabai Bush
   
• The Loving kindness Meditation is an excellent daily practice that aids in deepening Compassion for oneself and for others. A simple version…

May all Beings be peaceful.
May all Beings be happy.
May all Beings be safe.
May all Beings awaken to the Light of their True Nature.
May all Beings be free.

May you be peaceful, happy, safe and free, dear friends. May you offer yourself and others Compassion and lovingkindness as you walk through this year.

Peace be unto you, dear Anam Caras. May you walk in Beauty today and all the days of your life, dear ones. With great love and respect,